Adventures in dealing with Customer Retention departments…

I have been an XM subscriber since July 2006, in that time the monthly fees have risen from ‘about $9’ to $15, while many of my favorite stations have been lost or have transformed into something that is barely worth listening to.

A couple of months ago I realized that I am not using the service at all and decided to try to cancel it. At the time I had three radios signed up and I was spending $45 / month. On radio !

I ditched one of the radios and XM offered me ‘three months for $40’, which was not a bad deal, so I took it. Yesterday we found that both of radio’s were no longer working. Coincidentally I also got the renewal notice.

XM Everything – Monthly – $12.95 + $1.98 Music Royalty Fee per unit.

So I called XM………..After several minutes of ‘your call is important to us’ messages and some seriously bad on-hold music…
XM: Hi, welcome to XM Radio, my name is (garbled) how can I assist you today
Me: Hi, I want to cancel my account please, my account number is 1-2129512nnn
XM: I am sorry to hear that Max, can you just verify your name and address please
Me: Sure, My name is Max and I live in Mission Viejo.
XM: and your street number ?
Me: 26835
XM: and the last four digits of your credit card ?
Me: I do not want you to charge my card, I want to cancel my account please.
XM: I am sorry to hear that Max, I see that you have been a customer since 2006.
Me: Yes and I no longer use the service as much as I did, I just want to cancel the account please.
XM: I am sorry to hear that Max…….
Me: Oh, also you have cut off both units too, so even if I had been interested in the service, as neither current receive XM I am SOL.
XM: I am sorry to hear that, perhaps your signal was blocked by something and…….
Me: it does not matter as I want to cancel the account please.
XM: I am sorry to hear that Max…..
Me: Please stop reading the script and please simply cancel the stupid account.
XM: I cannot do that.
Me: Why not ?
XM: Because i do not have permission to do that.
Me: Put me through to your supervisor then.
XM: They do not have permission to do that either.
Me: aaaaargh – who do I need to speak to then ?
XM: The customer retention team
(She did not call them that, she used a phrase along the lines of ‘customer loyalty group’, but it is obvious what she meant.)
(on-hold musac and XM adverts)
(more on-hold musac and XM adverts)
XM: Hi, this is Sally* with XM customer loyalty, how may I assist you today ?
(If her name is really Sally I will willingly eat my hat.)
Me: I want to cancel my account, can you do this for me ?
XM: I am sorry to hear that Max, I see that you have been a customer since 2006.
Me: Please stop reading the script and just cancel my account.
XM: I am sorry to hear that Max, I see that you have been a customer since 2006.
Me: Stop it, stop reading the dammed script and cancel my account
XM: Ok Max, may I ask why you wish to cancel my account today ?
Me: Please just cancel my account, OK ?
XM: I am sorry to hear that Max, I see that you have been a customer since 2006.
Me: …and stop reading the bloody script at me, listen, I want to cancel my account because I hardly use it, it is an expensive luxury that I can no longer justify.CANCEL, CANCEL, CANCEL !
XM: I am sorry to hear that Max, I see that you have been a customer since 2006, I wonder if I could find a less expensive option for you…….
Me: Why won’t you listen to me you idiot, I want to cancel my account, I do not use it, I cannot justify the expense, I use Pandora or ooTunes or my ipod or heaven forbid terrestrial radio in my car.
XM: I am sorry to hear that Max, I need to ask you a few more questions
Me: Please, just cancel the account, please, i do not want XM any more, I do not use it, I cannot justify it, please just cancel it.
XM: I am sorry to hear that Max, may I ask why you want to cancel your service ? I see you have been a member since 2006.
Me: I do not use it, please cancel it.
XM: I am sorry to hear that Max……..
Me: Stop saying that you are sorry, I am a lost cause, it does not matter if you were to pay me to listen to XM, I am not interested any more, nothing you can say to me will change my mind, even if you say ‘sorry with double brass knobs on it’
XM: I am sorry Max, but I need you to answer a few more questions
Me: (sigh)

I answered every question in as negative a fashion as I could possibly think of and eventually ‘Sally’ got the message that I was a lost cause and consented to cancel my account.

Total time on the phone ? 16 minutes….